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Monday, August 18, 2014

When Depression Feels Like Drowning

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Sometimes, as someone who is extremely sensitive to pain and suffering, I find an image that I can’t let go of, no matter what I do. This is one of those images.

I came across this image while doing some research for the redesigning of the title page for “and the lilies fall still”.  This is simply a woman who is just below the surface of water, with the bright sky and clouds swirling above her. I can only imagine the events leading up to and following the capture of this image, and I assume that this varies from person to person. The way I relate to and interpret this image is that this woman has fallen into a blue abyss. She doesn’t struggle or fight to break the surface. She simply accepts her place. She can see the sky through the clear blue water, the brightness, the possibilities, and the life she could have. But she doesn’t reach for it. She accepts her existence in the blue abyss, and waits for the day when she can finally breathe again.

For me, this image is Depression. This is how it felt for me. It was as if I could see the possibility of living a happy life, and all I had to do was break the surface of that water. But I didn’t. I don’t want to say that I couldn’t, because I don’t think that I tried. And people judged me, and blamed me for not trying. It wasn’t that I couldn’t break the surface; it was that I couldn’t try.

It took all of my strength, in fact it took more strength than I thought I had, just to get up every day, go to school, go to work, and crawl back in to bed. It was a living hell. They were right, I wasn't trying. But they didn't understand that I couldn't. I wanted to, I really did. I just couldn't.

Now, to end on a positive note, that was several years ago. Thanks to modern medicine and a select few people in my life, I now have the strength to try. And that’s all that I needed.

What does Depression feel like for you? Share and comment below.

Much love,

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